In my own sorrows that is. Since I've found out I was pregnant I've been on a bit of a self-destruction mission. I started this blog in an effort to try and control myself, but it didn't work. I wasn't ready to face up to the bigger picture here.
The big picture here is - this is an unplanned pregnancy. I know what causes pregnancy obviously (since all other kids were planned and wanted) however this was an unplanned and for all accounts, unwanted, pregnancy. To give a bit of background information (which is probably going to be too much information so feel free to skip to the end of the paragraph) I have a pretty irregular cycle - with it being between 26 and 31 days long. However, ovulation for me has always been on day 14. So one (stupid) night, I decide not to use any protection. Mainly because I thought we didn't actually have any (which Elf Man informs me that I was wrong, we had some in the bathroom), but also because I thought I was safe on day 17 of my cycle. From all accounts I should have been totally safe, once the egg is released it survives for 12-24 hours. Except in me. 3 days later - and boom - unplanned pregnancy.
I was pissed off to say the least. I had just lost 32 kilos, I was cruising through my Paleo challenge and I was happy with the way things were going. I considered abortion. Like, seriously considered it. I looked up clinics near me. I researched costs and how long I had to make a decision. I talked about what to do with close friends. I was so very lost. I didn't want another baby, I have my hands full with 4 young kids, and how on earth will I manage to mother another one!?
Obviously I decided against abortion, I'm now 17 weeks. I've also put on nearly 10kg since I stopped my Paleo challenge. Mostly from junky, crappy food that offered no nutritional benefit to me, was just me on a major binge to try and drown myself emotionally in it. Because I didn't care any more.
So on to what is happening now. I have woken up a bit. Decided that feeding my body crap isn't only bad for me, but also for the baby. And its not the baby's fault that it threw a spanner in my perfect world. So I'm back to exercising - for health purposes. Just walking for the moment, I'm not a strong established runner so its not wise of me to start running now. Just getting out for a half an hour walk when I can will make a great deal of difference to how I carry this baby, and how I labour. And considering that I'm having this one at home (yes, omg at HOME!!!) I want to be in the best possible physical shape that I can be. Because it deserves it (obviously I say "it" because I don't know if its a boy or a girl yet).
So I've been having smoothies for breakfast - and really enjoying them. I've been having soup for lunch with homemade bread. I snack on fruit, or little dried fruit and nut balls that I make up. I drink my water even though it makes me pee a lot. I have limited my coffee intake to two a day (which is a lot better than it was). I've limited my cows milk intake, and sometimes have almond milk instead.
I've stopped abusing myself. This was an accident but I'm not going to beat myself up any more about it. I'm going to make myself the strongest I can possibly be.
I'm going to make the best out of my situation, even though it was the complete opposite of what direction I was going in.
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